Happiness is a warm gun!

Its amazing how the complexities of life inflate exponentially with age. Each passing day, ever so quietly, inconspicuously, reconstructs our metrics for happiness and satisfaction. Before we know it, the rationale behind our decisions and sentiments has undergone a metamorphosis.

A few weeks ago, I got in touch with an old friend from school. Its been almost three years since I graduated from high school, and this was the first time I was talking to her since then (I've never claimed myself to be a very social person!). The first hour of our conversation was plenteous with marveled exclamations from both sides on how much the other had changed. Speaking for myself, I was completely flabbergasted by the new identity she had developed. Yet, I was unable to account for the identical claims that she made.

Vasant Valley School : Class of 2003

After that rendezvous, I started thinking...about the years that have gone by. From the class twelve farewell party and all the way back to class nursery (whatever little I could remember of it). Thirteen years...less than four feet to almost six feet...infants to adults...and it feels like a blink in time! As my train of thoughts sped further into the past, I noticed the striking increase in the simplicity of life back then. This was, probably, the first time I was consciously pondering over the yesteryears, relishing every sweet memory.

Center Stage at school

Happiness was not a labyrinthine concept, as it is today. As kids, the simplest of things would give us immense joy. Being bought a new set of crayons, munching on a chocolate, playing hide and seek, a holiday from school, a bedtime story ... that was all it took!

With puberty came, perhaps, the first accrument in the complexity of life. We started looking at girls of our class in a whole new light! There was a newfound perception of beauty, it had a physical dimension to it now. Breasts suddenly became so prominent everywhere!! Happiness, nonetheless, remained an uncluttered emotion. Going to the movies with friends, playing truth and dare, sheepishly reading the 'The Encyclopedia of Sex' with friends during the library class, chalk-fights, school picnics ... thats all it took!

Library!

The next few years (class eight onwards) saw life getting a little busier. There was a spurt of activities: academics, sports, music, reading and other hobbies. Examinations took on a new importance. Being a good sportsman became a prestige issue. Having a girlfriend became the 'in'-thing. Life picked up a little pace and with that came new ways to be happy along with new ways to be unhappy. Satisfaction and happiness were now redefined by maxing an exam, being selected for the school cricket team, going out on a date, winning a debating competition etc. Each of these gave a feeling of content and joy.

But when I look at myself now, i get an eerie feeling of looking at a different person. This person, indeed, still finds satisfaction in maxing an exam, playing well for the cricket team, winning a competition. However, the erstwhile element of gratification is missing. The only joy in winning is that of not having to face the dejection of losing. Nothing seems to give that wholesome feeling of beatitude anymore! Happiness used to be such a natural emotion, it just seems to be getting more and more artificial. I often have to force myself into believing that I am happy with something. But, if I loosen this force, I quickly realize that the feeling is not that of happiness, rather of relief. Relief of not being unhappy.

Of course I had changed since school! And, these were just the changes within me, that I could see. What a person looks like to others is very closely coupled with what he looks like to himself from within. So, it was not inconceivable that my old friend from school thought I was a different person, just like I thought for her.

But, coming back to this issue of 'forced happiness'...the moment I realized it, the more blatant it became in almost everything I did. And this really bothered me. I think I'll write down the examples that come to my mind. My academic performance in the last semester was pretty good. This should have made me happy. What I felt, however, was a relief that I didn't flunk. A relief that the thought of failure, even after all the hard work I had put in that semester ,will not dog me. As I type this, I am even more sure it was exoneration and not happiness.
A couple of months back, I got a paid internship in the beautiful country of Switzerland. Surely, a paid three-month visit to Europe should be a cause of celebration. But...still exculpation...from the thought that I wasn't considered good enough to be accepted as an intern there.
Then, again, some friends and I participated in a business-plan competition recently. We put in a lot of effort in the entire project. As they say, hard work bears fruit: we did taste our due share of success. But the doctrine that success gives happiness seemed to fail once more. It was merely relief that the hard work didn't go waste.

The list goes on...spanning every facet of life; academics, sports, music, love, hobbies...

What could be the reason for this? I cant say that I am vexed with life. In fact, I'm quite enjoying it (hopefully!). But I want back that element of thrill with every achievement. Something down the line has stolen it away. If only I could pinpoint what that something is! The first obvious explanation would be that having experienced 'routine' instances of delectation umpteen number of times, and with my aims in life getting bigger, petty things like winning a game do not have any import anymore. But I know thats not true. For one, I still don't know what those bigger aims in life are! Moreover, it simply feels abnormal to not feel “happy” for any of these things.

I think that the degree of sanctity and exuberance are inversely proportional to the intricacies in life. Maybe, with reasons for happiness being shared by the multitude of activities in the now tangled-up life, it is only natural that this phenomenon of forced happiness occurs. Maybe...I don't know. I'm not unhappy, but the problem is that I'm not happy as well! I hope I'm not the only one. Perhaps this situation requires some more meditation before I can reach a solution.